Opinion: Stupid Commercials

So, I’m trying something new today, which is posting this from my iPad. So you’ll have to be patient and forgive any large, glaring spelling mistakes that you find. I know you do this anyway for me (and I love you for it) but being extra forgiving today may be necessary.

The title kind of says it all: Stupid Commercials.

And I don’t mean stupid as in just dumb, as in lacking intelligence (but there is one of those down below, too), but stupid as in what the fuck does this commercial have to do with the product they’re selling? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just a cynical fuck anymore who’s tired of shit looking pretty and fun and having no substance. Yes, I’m still talking about commercials.

The first one that springs to mind is the commercial for the new Microsoft tablet, the Surface. It might be the Surface Pro. Actually, all the Surface commercials that I can remember. The most recent one is in the office setting, starts off with the oriental guy and soon turns into a big fucking dance party. The one prior to that is everyone in various locations dancing and “clicking” the tablet into its keyboard and what not.

Now, I like the commercials. Seriously. I’m a fat white man who simply cannot dance to save his life. My lack of rhythm is so bad that when my wife said we were dancing at our vow renewal I told her we’d be getting divorced right after. Watching people do that sort of thing is cool (unless it’s a reality show hosted by Mario Lopez) but just what does dancing have to do with the tablet? If I buy one am I going to have mad skillz and be hopping one-handed across a table? Are my two left feet suddenly going to learn an acceptable, impressive port side jig that’s going to help me win Dancine with the Stars? Will I find myself surrounded by doubly hot and talented women just waiting to gyrate and make music with me? Doubtful. So what’s the point? It’s not like the commercial, which I like watching, is making me want to go buy the damn tablet. Instead, why not just give me some specs and tell me what that thing can do? Compare it to my iPad. Who knows, maybe impress with me your product and not your choreography. And yes, I realize that the commercial has me talking about the product (which is good) I’m still not any closer to buying one (which is bad) and honestly, I’m less apt to buy one in the future (which is really bad). Not that the iPad commercials are any better… they play Chopsticks. Wow.

Considering that, it’s like the Kia Soul commercials with the hamsters. What, exactly, does a hamster have to do with a car? Do they think I’m going to buy their car because a fat hamster can fit behind the seat maybe I can, too? I don’t know, but it’s just weird. At least they give some information on the car in those commercials. And who’s now doing dogs in cars? Honda? Hyundai? I don’t even remember anymore, but someone is talking about selling cars to dogs. Should we extrapolate that to mean people who buy cars are like dogs? I just don’t know.

If you want a fairly decent car commercial, watch one for a truck. Engine size, gas mileage, hauling capacity, and passenger room are hammered on. They’re talked about, listed on the screen, touted. I’d say something about how it shows the difference between people who drive trucks and those who don’t, it doesn’t seem to me that’s it. I think it’s more that most people see trucks as functional vehicles and not status symbols. Personally, I like Sam Elliot’s voice in the Dodge Ram commercials.

Now let’s talk about plain old stupidity in commercials. McDonald’s has brought the ole Filet o’ Fish back and there’s a commercial that runs during The Walking Dead (either that or The Following) where this captain is in his bunk and his gigantic fish finder starts clanging. You know the one I mean? Yeah. And he jumps up calling for the crew or whatever and we see this boat is way the fuck out in the middle of the ocean on the waves and what not. The fish finder leads the captain to the galley where the crew is eating Filet o’ Fish sandwiches. All of them. In the middle of the ocean. Without a McDonald’s.

Compare that stupidity to the rather smart Wendy’s fish commercial: Cod, North Pacific. Fish, non-specific. In a LUNCHROOM. At an OFFICE!

Hey McDonald’s… bring back McDonaldland and the Hamburglar. Seriously.

Some of these commercials are like me putting Stephen King’s name on my books. Or calling Necromancer paranormal romance instead of urban fantasy. They’re that misleading and just, well, not true to the product.

Maybe am I being a little ridonkulous complaining about television commercials. There are many things much more suited to a rant, like, say, equal rights, our rape culture, political decline and abuse, but I’d rather save those topics for my writing, not my blog.

Comments should be open, so, what does everyone think about the current state of commercials? Yay? Nay? Shut the fuck up Chris and post a story next time?

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